Not One Single Care
by Sister-Puce
Summary: Drabbles chronicling the twisted love life of Leland Palmer/Bob. Crackfic. Not to be taken seriously. Some content Co-written by my Beta. Please R&R.
1. Denise

**Authors note**: Crack fic fest! Thanks to my scary, secret beta, Weenienanny

**Pairing**: Leland and Denis/Denise.

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**Not one single care**

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**N**ot one care was given. Not one single care, as Leland Palmer swerved from lane to lane, once again on his way to the Double R Diner.

DEA agent Denise Bryson's car was broken down on the same stretch of road Leland was currently dominating. And as Leland rounded a corner, he passed the agent walking the shoulder of the road with his high heels in hand. Denise had more, much more to lament than his ruined stockings when Mr. Palmer pulled up beside him, the radio blaring the Chorette's _Lollipop_.

"Hey, there young lady! Do you need a lift?" Leland asked, full o' pep.

"Um... Sure," Denise replied softly, footing to the car, pine needles stinging his tootsies.

"The name's Leland Palmer. I'm an attorney." He grinned, almost maniacally, as he offered his hand to Denise. She smiled in return as she shook Palmer's hand. "Was that your car a ways back?" Leland queried, his mouth left open long after the words had escaped.

"Yes, it was," Denise had to raise her voice over the radio. "My tire blew out."

"Oh, my," Palmer simply stated. As soon as Agent Bryson was buckled up in the passenger's seat, Leland started the car to resume his swerving.

Denise began to flip out, grabbing hold of the sides of the car to steady herself, "Watch out! Are you drunk?!"

"I haven't touched a drop," Leland answered, and planted a big wet one on Denise's lips as the careened down the road. Denise pushed him away, trying to grab the wheel but Leland regained control and parked the vehicle at the side of the road, behind some trees.

Relieved, Denise made to get out, but was pulled back into the arms of Mr. Palmer and smothered with hot kisses. Palmer's hands were all over Bryson. Beyond his calf, up his skirt and finally to the family jewels, but not one care was given. Not one single care.

"Watch it, buster," Denise slapped his greedy hands away but groping was overtaken with kiss upon kiss upon kiss. "Look, Mister Palmer, I don't even know you," Denis managed to say.

"Oh, well," Palmer said, pulling a lever under the passenger seat, laying Denise flat. There was something about Leland Palmer that entranced Denise.

Those eyes, so big and blue and those arms, warm and inviting. As Denise melted in his touch it was clear to see that not one single care was given. Not a single care.


	2. Ben

**N**ot one care was given. Not one single care, as Ben Horne and Leland Palmer exchanged a 'friendly' hug.

Ben thought he was welcoming an old friend back into his world, but he had no idea what he was getting into. A few more awkward pats on the back were given and, before Ben could return to the snifter of brandy on his desk, Leland had pulled him into a crushing embrace and planted a big, fat smacker on his lips.

Ben was astounded as he wrenched his lips from his attorney, as if the were unclean.

"Leland! What the hell are you doing?!" Ben tried to push the white-haired loon away. "Let me get Dr. Jacoby. You're not yourself."

"I know," said Leland. "Come on, Ben. Let's have an encounter on the sofa." He grinned, rubbing his hands together. His eyes darting from the sofa to Ben as he nodded his head.

Ben looked at him in confusion, then clapped his hands together in realization. "I-I know just what you need." He elbowed Leland's side. "Let me show you where you can find some gorgeous, willing women."

"Pftt. Women. Let me take you now, right here on the sofa. Come on," Palmer rasped, lurching closer.

"I don't bat for the other team, old friend," Ben chuckled.

"I don't either!" Leland pushed Ben back onto the couch and pounced on him.

"Stop this, you crazy bastard!" Ben cried out, but was pacified with a huge, sloppy kiss.

Leland removed Ben's glasses and smooched his face again and again and, just for a second, Ben could have sworn that it wasn't Leland who was making his mug so sticky. He could almost swear he saw another gray haired man, his gaunt face covered in stubble, twitching like a projection before his face, and had to do a double take before he could make out the blurry mouth of Leland Palmer.

After scraping Leland's shin and shoving a knee in his gut, it was clear there was no fighting this mad man off. And perhaps it wasn't so bad. Ben Horne had had his fair share of women, but he had never had a man. It would be a new experience.

In those moments, thought began to fade as the softest of touches melted his heart.

And not one care was given.

Not a single care.


	3. Jacoby

**N**ot one care was given, not a single care as Leland Palmer ran in the opened front door of Dr. Lawrence Jacoby's house. Upon entering the man with silver hair swayed slightly, from one foot to the other, staring at the doctor in trance-like state. He found Jacoby reclining against a backdrop of palm fronds, a glass of fruit adorned alcohol in hand. His face a window to his soul of utter blankness.

Leland suddenly broke the silence with his deep, resonating voice, "Did you sleep with my daughter?"

The doctor was understandably shocked by the question. He was worried he would be beaten by the outraged father, but he stood his ground and quietly answered with the truth, knowing that it was already out there, "yes,".

Leland's eyes grew larger and pleading, "Will you sleep with me?"

"Pardon?" Dr. Jacoby blinked.

"Will you sleep with me?!" Leland begged madly, grabbing gobsmacked man as if his life depended on it.

"Is this your idea of a joke?!" Jacoby sputtered as he wriggled out of his arms, his colorful Beverage now on the floor.

"No joke, Jacoby. Here I am. Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours, " he sang out and started to undo his cufflinks.

Jacoby watched in horror as Leland began a striptease in front of his very eyes. His mind screamed NO NO NO but his body screamed YES YES YES. Licking his chapstick coated lips, he watched.

When he could take no more he shouted out, "Fine. But only because you are the closest thing to Laura I can have."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes, Leland! Yes, I want you."

"Now that's what I like to hear!"


	4. Pinkle and the Log Lady

**N**ot one care was given, not one single care as Margaret Lanterman stood outside the Roadhouse in the chilly night air, gently stroking a branch of her beloved log.

The log, uncharacteristically, did not warn Margaret of a foreboding presence lurking in the nearby shadow. Though, the evil in the close flora caused a few owls in high branches to cry out and ruffle their feathers.

The Log Lady was waiting for someone to leave the bar. Someone who had escorted her, and was fetching her forgotten shawl. Finally, hearing the owls, her senses kicked in and her hackles were raised.

She could feel the darkness surrounding her and it's name was Leland Palmer.

"Imagine, bumping into you here," he said suggestively, as soon as he knew his essence had been detected. She swung around with her log at the ready.

"Hey, hey," he laughed, raising his hands, "watch where you point that thing."

Margaret did not appreciate being surprised by strange, lurking, men with electric white hair or having her log called a '_Thing_'.

"What do you want?" she asked fussily.

"What do I want?" Leland echoed, circling around her. "Oh, I want you."

"What?!"

"YOU! Oh, God. I want you," he growled, burying his face in the collar of her turtleneck sweater before she could bat him away. He recovered instantly.

"What an enchanting fragrance you are wearing."

"I'm not wearing perfume," she replied and worried her log, cradling it to her bosom.

Just then, Pinkle exited the building, shawl in hand, and shouted, "Get away from her, you viper!" He had seen the whole lurid scene.

"Viper?!" Repeated Mr. Palmer, smiling cruelly.

"Come, Margaret. You'll be safe with me." Pinkle gestured toward his car and the Log Lady huffed, trodding off to it.

"Now, lookie here, Mister," Pinkle said, pointing a finger at Leland, "that's my girl you're trying to get fresh with, so back off!"

"Let's not get any wrong ideas, Pinkle... I'd much rather get fresh with you."

"...What? Oh, we got a joker here. Hardy-har-har," Pinkle scoffed and turned to join his Log Lady, but was pulled into Palmer's vice-like embrace.

"NO! Pinkle, don't you understand!? I want to make love to you!"

"Get your filthy hands off me, you pervert!" Pinkle cried, trying to elbow him but Log lady came in the nick of time and bashed Mr. Palmer's back hard enough with her handbag to make him recoil.

With Palmer moaning in pain, Pinkle and Margaret took off like a bolt for the car and quickly drove into the night.

Leland Palmer stood up straight, brushed himself off and walked to his own car, dejected.

He threw himself in the drivers' seat and turned the radio dial all the way up._ I will wait for you_ by Johnny Mathis flowed into Leland's ears and he heaved a tremendous sigh.


	5. Jerry

**A/N**: This is the crackiest of the crack.

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**N**ot one care was given, not one single care when, one blissful evening, Jerry Horne knocked back a scotch and soda at One Eyed Jack's. There was a new girl and Ben wasn't anywhere to be seen.

Heads or tails, she was all Jerry's and he was ready to rumble.

With head held high, Jerry walked down the flower-adorned halls and found his room. He knocked a couple of times and straightened his bow-tie before barging in. But no one was to be seen as he entered. Jerry waited a few beats and checked the door number again.

"Um... Hello?"

"Just a moment, sailor," came a soft reply.

"Okie dokie. But Hurry up. I ain't got all night."

A muscular gam slinked out from around the door behind a curtain. It was a singular, most heavenly thing to behold. Jerry had always been fond of a stockier breed. A mountain woman was his ideal. Lean and mean. This gal was wearing white heels and opaque tights that tied off in a cute bow at the top.

"Aw, don't tease me. You're breakin' my heart here," Jerry said melodramatically.

"Well, we wouldn't want to do that would we...?" asked the owner of the leg melodically, then stepped out to reveal herself in all her glory.

Only to Jerry's horror the her was a him.

"LELAND PALMER?!"

"The one and only," Leland purred as he put his hands on his garter belt. Bob thought that Leland looked stunning in his flannel bustier, matching panties and pink ribbon tied off to the nape of his neck.

"Oh, my God." Jerry smacked his own forehead and looked to the ground. "You think this funny?! Do you remember who I am?! Or... Wait a minute..." Horne pondered, "Ben put you up to this?!" He asked with a small smirk.

Leland didn't answer. He just wobbled to the door and locked it.

"W-wait a second. What are you doing?" Jerry asked, panicked when Palmer placed the key on his own tongue and swallowed.

"No! N-NO! What?! Are you crazy?!" Jerry squeezed his fists.

"Crazy in love," Leland said, but Bob looked into Jerry's eyes as they blinked wetly a few times. He was hypnotized, "W-what's going on?"

"Let yourself go..." Leland saucily breathed into Jerry's ear and enfolded the shorter man in his arms. "Give yourself to me."

Jerry could not speak. He was aided to the bed, pushed lazily, and with a plop, found himself sat upon by a menacing Palmer.

"Jerry Horne, get ready for the night of your life."


	6. Andy

**N**ot a single care was given, not one single care when Leland Palmer witnessed Deputy Andy Brennan trip over a kink in a floor mat upon entering his front door. In fact, Palmer chuckled maliciously to himself.

Leland had called the Sheriff's Department and asked for Andy specifically when informing Lucy that his wife, Sarah, had suddenly remembered even more details about the strange man who had something to do with their daughters murderer.

If only what he had told Lucy had been based in truth.

"Come in, come in. Can I get you something to drink? Maybe some lemonade?" Leland asked, as the deputy awkwardly regained his balance.

"Yes, that would be fine. Thank you, sir," Deputy Brennan answered, searching the room for an empty chair. He immediately wished he had asked for coffee instead, but he was too shy to bother Mr. Palmer now.

"Oh, please, sit," Palmer warmly instructed before walking into the kitchen.

Andy ungracefully took a seat in the wing chair and scooted the foot stool forward with his long legs. When Leland returned he had a tall glass of lemonadit, jingling with ice cubes. When he handed the glass to Andy, the deputy expected him to sit in the chair beside him but was appalled when Leland perched upon his knee.

"Now," Leland said, "what can I do for you?"

"Uh... you said that your wife had more information about the suspect that she saw upstairs!" Andy said, trying to act normal.

"Oh, yes. But my wife isn't here, right now. She's um... out," Palmer said of the poor woman who currently was in a drugged slumber upstairs. Maddy was out with James and Donna.

"But... but..." Andy could do little than stutter. "I-I-I should go."

"So soon? You just got here." Leland laughed, knowing the weight of his ass was putting Deputy Brennan's leg to sleep.

"You know, Deputy... you have the most beautiful, brown eyes that I have ever seen."

"I do?" asked Andy, genuinely touched, despite the circumstances.

"You do. I could just fall right into them," Leland crooned and went in for deep kiss.

For a few golden moments only traffic and the grandfather clock could be heard in the room until Andy slurred in surprise, "Gosh, I've never been kissed by a man, before," he paused, "I don't think I like it."

"Oh, I like it," said Leland while stroking the Deputy's windbreaker, "I like it very much."

"You're married, Mr. Palmer! And I have Lucy... at least, I think I do."

"Sarah likes it when I kiss men, too."

"She does?!" Andy's eyes widened in disbelief.

"Sure, sure," Leland fibbed and kissed him again.

"Well..." Andy thinks, "maybe it's not so bad. After all, Lucy was steppin' out on me with that Dick!"

Leland tisked through a pucker and straddled Andy. "Ooh, I love a man in a uniform."


	7. Bobby

**A/N:  
**A very special thanks to my creepy beta, Weenienanny for helping me with this chapter.

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**N**ot one care was given, not one single care when Doctor Jacoby entered the Sheriff's Department singing_ "Aloha`Oe"_ while swaying in a fluid Hula Dance.

_"E ke onaona noho i ka lipo. One fond embrace, .A ho`i a`e au._ Until we meet again... I've got important information for Agent Cooper, Miss Moran."

Lucy's mouth was agape as she hit the button and said, "Agent Cooper, Doctor Jacoby is here to give you some important information. And he's dancing around the room singing some Hawaiian song."

"Send him in, Lucy. We're expecting him," Cooper said over the speaker.

"Okay... I'm sending him in, now," she replied, punching another button and telling Jacoby to go on in without specifying which room he should enter.

"Thank you, Miss Moran." Jacoby continued to dance all the way to the meeting room, where Cooper and Sheriff Truman stood to greet him.

"Please, take a seat," Cooper suggested loudly in an effort to be heard over Jacoby's singing. The doctor promptly took a seat, leaned back, crossed his legs and entwined his fingers.

"Now, what's this about important information?" Truman asked in a rather gruff voice, after waiting several seconds. Harry wasn't always a patient man.

"Oh, it's all very lurid, Gentlemen. Scandalous, even," Jacoby softly stated.

Agent Cooper nodded for him to begin.

"It was like it was yesterday... In fact, it was yesterday," Doctor Jacoby said dreamily. "I was following young Bobby Briggs Convertible down road 21..."

Agent Cooper and Truman looked at one another, puzzled. _Why had he been following him?_

"...When he took a sharp turn to main street. It was on Tanner road that he and another Convertible almost collided. Well, Bobby almost landed in a ditch." Jacoby laughed thoughtfully. "Anyway, I pulled in behind a couple of trees to observe the hullabaloo, and instantly heard Bobby yelling at the top of his lungs at the other person... who just happened to be Leland Palmer."

"Leland Palmer?" Andy said, having just stepped in to listen to the story.

"Yes. I could say with some certainty that Bobby was under the influence of something, liquor or otherwise. Anyway, I was carefully getting out of my car when everything went silent. Even the owls. And that's when I heard it."

"Heard what?" Asked Lucy, who had joined them. But before Lucy could get an answer, Jacoby became sidetracked. "Now, I'll admit that I've had my eye on Bobby for some time now. In fact, the same goes for Leland. He's so much like his daughter. I mean, when you really get to know him." Reminiscing, Lawrence smiled as he studied the ceiling.

"And what about Mr. Palmer and Bobby. What did you hear?" questioned Cooper. Truman cleared his throat.

Jacoby, dejected, closed his eyes. "What I heard sent shivers down my spine." He shook as if taken by a chill, and gripped the arms of the chair as if he would fall from his seat in spasms. "Hot damn!" He suddenly shouted, clapping his hands and raising to his haunches in the chair. "I heard the elusive, moans of ecstasy. The honest cries of the soul when it finally is released by caresses of delight. The shimmering passion of two merging bodies. Shrieks issued from the heart's lust. Moans, dear people, moans of the most tantalizing variety."

"Moaning?"

"Oh yes," Jacoby answered, wiping sweat from his brow with a sleeve, "I peered around and witnessed," he licked his lips, "young Briggs and Leland In flagrante delicto." A small speck of spit flew out from between his teeth as he enunciated.

Harry cleared his throat again, and to avoid Jacoby, looked at his beloved mounted buck. Lucy turned to Andy, whose crimson face appeared saddened, and Cooper calmly took another sip of coffee.

"Palmer was the dominating one, that's for sure," Jacoby continued, "but Bobby, with youth on his side, gave back what he was dealt - and more. I could see it all in brilliant CinemaScope. The moon was almost full that night. It lit their glistening," he gulped, "naked bodies as if in the hazy light of day. They had no interest in hiding as they went at it. I mean, they were laying right in the middle of gosh darn road. Kissing and hands all over the place not to mention..."

Jacoby stopped speaking or even breathing as he envisioned it again.

"And what happened next?" Cooper urged half-heartedly.

"They came and left." Jacoby chuckled.

Lucy groaned. When she turned to study Andy's reaction she found that he was nowhere to be seen.

Jacoby slapped both hands on his knees and smiled. "There you go. Pretty X-rated, huh?"

Harry and Cooper shared a look. "What does this have to with the murder of Laura Palmer?" Truman asked.

"Not a thing!"

"Then why did you share that, uh, vision with us?"

"You said to come forward if I heard or saw anything interesting."


	8. Sarah

**A/N**:This was co-written by my Beta, the frightening WeenieNanny.

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**N**ot one care was given, not a single care as Leland Palmer left his bedroom and made his way downstairs, humming to himself. One step forward and one step back in a jaunty dance. Landing on the final step of plush pink carpet, he tied his robe together and rounded the corner. With a hand on his belly, and his body mimicking the moves of Desi Arnez. He merrily entered the kitchen serenading his wife with Louis Armstrong's _I get ideas_.

The morning sun filtered through the kitchen windows and on the bowls of Cap 'N Crunch Sarah had poured for Leland and herself. Leland smiled wildly as he looked at Sarah's confused face and quickly took her in his arms. "Oh Sarah, the ideas I get when you're dangerously near me," he hotly whispered in her ear, snuggling into her hair. "You're as beautiful this morning as the day I met you," he chuckled and kissed her cheek. She stood at the counter, smiling as she watched him slowly chew his cereal. A truly happy moment.

It was now 6:00 pm and Sarah hadn't seen her husband since breakfast. She placed the novel she was reading on her lap and sighed. He was probably up at the Great Northern with Ben Horne, and wouldn't be back until eight or nine. Sarah leaned back into the sofa, closed her eyes and tried to sleep so she could avoid more tears and unhappy memories.

She was awoken a few minutes later by a thumping noise upstairs. Sarah's heart raced as she tried to figure out what to do. She raised from the sofa as quietly as she could and took one of Leland's old golf clubs from the closet, which she held as a weapon as she ascended the stairs. When she came to stand outside the room where the noise was coming from, she peeked through a gap in the door and was astounded to see Leland's snow-white hair.

"Leland!" she cried, dropping the golf club and opening the door.

"Oop. You found me," Leland giggled. He was laying on his side, completely nude. "But then I didn't exactly hide." He blew a giant pink gum bubble and popped it with his tongue, seductively looking at his wife.

Sarah's face was blank as she stared at him.

Leland patted the bedspreads. "Sarah, how long has it been since we've made love?"

"How can you think of sex at a time like this?! We're in mourning."

"Do you honestly think Laura would hold it against us?"

"I hate it when you get like this!" Sarah reeled, swaying forward as if her legs would give out, and hitting his arm non-threateningly.

"Oh, you wanna get feisty?!" he asked with a salacious laugh and grabbed her hairbrush from the nightstand. "Am I going to have to put you over my knee?" He raised his eyebrows.

"I am so tired of this. Can't you think of anything besides sex?!"

"Nope." He blew and popped another bubble.

Sarah, now haphazardly seated on the edge of the bed, stared at him in shock. He happily swung one leg back and forth and ran his tongue over his lower teeth. She weakened and closed her eyes. Leland saw this as the perfect opportunity to strike, and just as he knew she would, Sarah reciprocated.

_**One hour later**_

Leland and Sarah lay in bed with their arms around each other. Sarah smiled as she stroked Leland's chest. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Oh Leland, I feel silly saying this but what we just... did... was different. Like it hasn't been for so long. It's almost like you're a different man."

BOB cackled.


	9. Pete

**A/N: **This chapter was written by my beta, The daunting Weenienanny.

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**N**ot one care was given. Not a single care as Pete Martell, waist deep in the waters of Pearl Lakes, cast a fly rod.

Back home, Catherine had been watching 'Invitation to Love', in one of her typical sour moods, and he'd thought it best to sneak out while she was distracted. He'd left a note on the kitchen counter saying where he went. He wasn't crazy enough to invoke her wraith.

He stood with the sun at his back, watching the golden light reflect on the water surrounding him. It was beautiful. Then all of a sudden he saw someone in the reflection beside him. Wait a minute...

"Hey there, Pete," Leland Palmer said, wading over to Mr. Martell.

"What in Sam Blazes you doing here?" Pete asked, his eyes bulging.

"Damned if I know. Gee, just inhale that air," Leland said, placing his hand on Pete's shoulder.

"You're wearing a suit." Pete said, looking him over.

"So I am." Leland began to peel it off.

Pete stared at him for a second, thinking it was a joke. Only once Leland was completely shirtless and had started working on taking his pants, did Pete stop him. "Mr. Palmer, I don't rightly know what you're doing, but," he cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow, "I suggest you stop."

Leland stopped, his mouth slightly open, and placed his hands on his hips as he looked to the sky. The sky had filled with clouds. Palmer then looked back at Pete, whose eyes had never left him, and smiled. An Owl hooted in the distance.

"You busy later?"

"I'm busy now. I'll probably be busy later. Why?"

"No reason," Leland looked to the water lapping around his thighs. "You lonely?"

"Ha!, wait," Pete did a double-take. "What?"

"Do you find yourself thinking of things you shouldn't while in the shadows?"

"Depends on what you mean."

"I think you know what I mean."

" 'friad I don't. And if I do I still don't want to know."

Leland waded to Pete, making sure to take long strides so that Pete could get a good look at what he had to offer. He bent at the waist and whispered in the former logger's ear. Pete's eyes widened and he gulped. "What does it take to make you understand I don't want none of that?"

Leland shrugged. "You know where to find me when the shadows call out your name. I'll be there to love and comfort you," he ended in song.

As Leland walked up the middle of the lake and away from Martell, Pete sighed.

"Be seein' ya," Leland called out, turning to see Pete again.

Maybe staying at home with Catherine wasn't such a bad idea after all.


	10. Leo

**A/N:**This Chapter was also written by my Beta, The exotic Weenienanny (who refuses to get her own account)

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**N**ot one care was given. Not one single care as Leland Palmer made to visit Leo Johnson.

He knew all about Jacques Renault and Leo's sick kicks - a little bird had told him - and tonight he planned a very special evening for the trucker. It was a pity that Jacques was dead or he could have enjoyed the ride as well.

Leland had, months ago, placed an advert in Fleshworld, posing as a young, blonde female, 'ready for anything'. Leo was among the first to reply and Leland had kept in contact on and off since. It was just another game in the warped mind of BOB.

Tonight was the night he and Leo had agreed to meet. BOB could hardly wait. He could taste the garmonbozia already, and he was so hungry. Practically starving.

BOB kept himself busy with little things throughout the day until it was the feeding hour.

Prior to piling himself in his car, he had changed into a clean suit and panties and spritzed himself with the cheapest perfume he could find.

Driving the dark, country lanes on the way to the cabin in the woods, he turned the dial on the radio, and to confuse Leo, or anyone else listening, switched the station from oldies to modern. Rick James' _Super Freak_ blared out of the speakers and he drove in time with the music. Swerving into the wrong lane only when he felt like it. Laughing like what he was: a madman.

When finally he made his way to the woods, his beloved woods, he pulled off to the side of the road, killed the engine and proceeded on foot to one of Leo's favorite hangouts.

Leland crunched through the leaves. _"When I make my move to her room it's the right time. She's never hard to please,"_ he whispered in sing-song to himself, swaying his hips and chuckling.

When Jacques' cabin was within sight he stopped and stared. He could make out the shadow of Leo sitting in the chair, as instructed.

"What an idiot." Bob suppressed a fit of giggles and crept until he was only a few feet away from Leo.

Making as high a voice as he could, Leland whispered, "It's Rose, Leo, put your blindfold on."

Leo looked dazedly from side to side then grinned like a simpleton. He knotted a blindfold around his head and slapped his knees. "Come on, little girl. I'm ready for you."

Leland, in full black, darted from the edge of the woods to the back of his chair. He knotted Leo's blindfold even tighter, smiling as he heard the ponytailed one gasp.

"You smell nice," Leo said, turning his head.

BOB, though tempted, said nothing. He instead let his hand know the make of Leo's legs, stomach and chest. Unbuttoning Leo's shirt, the lips of Leland Palmer kissed the trucker's collarbone before tying his hands to the arms of the chair.

He was really going to be in for it tonight!

_One Hour Later_

Leo, his head leaned back against the headrest of Jacques' chair, smiled as he tried to break from his drug induced daze. Leland took several steps back and asked, again his high-pitched voice, if Leo had enjoyed himself. "Oh hell yeah, baby. You should make yourself a killing in these parts... if you go into business."

"Oh really?"

"Something wild like you? You won't be able to keep the guys away. I'm lucky to have been the first person in Twin Peaks to have a crack at you."

"You think so?" Leland said, pulling the blindfold from Leo's eyes.


	11. Dick

**A/N:**This chapter was written by my beta, the honorable Weenienanny as well.

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**N**ot one care was given. Not one single care as Leland Palmer casually slipped into Horne's department store.

Making a beeline for the gentleman's apparel, he found the area completely dead in the middle of the afternoon. Dick Tremayne, bored out of his mind, stood on his tip-toes adjusting the tie on a suited mannequin.

"Excuse me. Are you the sales clerk?" Leland asked, fully knowing who he was.

"I am indeed," Richard said, spinning around to face him. "Head of the department as a matter of fact. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I'm looking for a new tie, see," Leland flipped the end of the tie around his neck, as though he were so sick of it he might just toss it. "And I'm clueless about fashion," he chuckled.

"AH! You came to the right man. Come, follow me." Dick sauntered over green carpeting to a large rack of ties in the far corner of the room. He pressed a finger to his lip, in thought, and considered the vast selection before him. Holding a few to the light, he finally settled on a tie in a maroon hue. He stepped beside Leland and held it up for him to study.

"I think this would look marvelous with your coloring. It would most certainly bring out the blue in your eyes." Dick smiled as he looked into Palmer's glistening irises. "Yes," he repeated absently. "Yes."

"Hmm, interesting. You really think this is the color for me?" Leland held it up against his shoulder, his brow creased.

"Oh, without a doubt."

BOB leaned in, hypnotizing the clerk with his Dugpa ways. "Does it look as good from this angle?"

"Even better," Dick said, raising a hand.

Leland stepped as close to Richard as humanly possible without causing harm. "How about now?" Leland traced the outline of Richard's jawline, never breaking eye contact.

Richard licked his lips and tittered nervously. "Absolutely superb."

Leland removed his finger from the stubble of Richard's cheek, then placed the finger into his own mouth, making a popping noise as he pulled it from the side of his cheek. Richard jumped a bit and looked nervously from side to side to see if they were being watched. He shivered and pulled his turtleneck a little closer to his skin. "I-I have a break in five minutes."

Leland nodded, smiled and bit his lower lip.

"Come back at 3:00, if you want."

**3:00**

Killing the time by playing with displays in the kitchenware section, Leland noticed the time and walked slowly back to the mens' department.

"Psst!"

"Pssst! Over here." Richard hissed from behind a display of sweaters, waving Leland forward.

Leland grinned and tip-toed around the shelf, following Richard as he fled to a back room.

BOB grinned. It was dark just as he liked it.

Richard pulled a cord attached on a lone dangling bulb on the ceiling; illuminating the room just enough to make out a bare mattress laying on the floor and a few cardboard boxes.

"We just got this in today," Richard said, kicking the end of the mattress, "It needs a good breaking in, don't you think." He squinted as he smiled in a full toothy grin.

"Rarely," Leland replied, pulling Dick to the mattress with him.


	12. Lucy

**A/N:**This chapter is by W.N.

* * *

**N**ot one care was given, not a single care as Lucy Moran waited in line to buy several boxes of donuts.

She pulled her over-sized sweater a little closer, someone had just opened the door and let a chill in. She sighed, how long was it going to take?

"Ms. Moran, is that you?"

Lucy blinked and turned around. "Oh, Mr. Palmer. How are you doing? Are you getting donuts? Agent Cooper really likes the jelly filled ones. He says they're the best. Have you tried them? Don't get the ones with the little green sprinkles on them. Deputy Brennan ate one and said it made him sick."

Leland smiled, his white hair seemed even brighter while he stood in front of the door with his backdrop the glare from outside. "No donuts for me," he patted his belly. "I'm here for a cup of coffee." His shoved his hands into the pockets of his long dark jacket, and as he spoke he moved them about animatedly.

"Oh."

"You look very nice today, Lucy."

"I do?"

"Yes. But I've always thought that you're pretty."

"You have?"

He nodded. "You are one of the prettiest girls in Twin Peaks."

"Thank you Mr. Palmer," Lucy looked at her crossed shoes and blushed.

"Ah, Leland. Call me Leland."

Lucy looked him over and smiled.

"Lucy," Leland made a show of acting bashful by mimicking her movements, looking at his shoes as well. "I wondered if you have room on your dance card for me."

"Dance card? There aren't going to be any dances in Twin Peaks for a long time. At least none that I know of. Is Mr. Horne throwing a dance at the Great Northern? I can make sure to dance with you if there is going to be a dance. That is if Dick and Andy don't care. Oh who cares if they care? Yes. I'd love to dance, Mr. Palmer."

"Thank you but there isn't a dance. What I mean to say is: would you like to go out with me?"

"Mr. Palmer!" Lucy gasped, "What about Mrs. Palmer?!"

"She won't mind." BOB was trying his best to hypnotize her when the door opened behind him.

"Punky!" Andy said, seeing Lucy. A look of fear consumed his face as he saw who was standing next to her. "Le- Mr. Palmer," he gulped, tears forming in his eyes.

Lucy saw that Andy was upset and ran to his side. "What's wrong?" she asked.

Andy sniffed. "Nuthin'. Could we leave, Punky?"

"I need to get the donuts for the station."

"We can get them later. Let's go get some pie at the Double R to tide everyone over."

"Hey, I'll go with you," Leland volunteered. "I have something I want to talk to you about anyway, Andy."

Andy froze in his steps, his hand shaking violently.

"I want to re-create what happened the last time I saw you."

Andy burst into tears and ran out of the building.

Lucy, shocked, ran after him. "ANDY!"

BOB sighed. It was his turn in line. "One more cup of coffee for the road," he told the waitress.


	13. Toad

**N**ot one care was given, not one single care as Leland Palmer pulled into the Double R Diner. He was hungry, and not only for some damn good pie.

He slammed the car door shut and happily kicked his heels before waltzing in the restaurant. Inside he found the diner fairly empty, save for the patrons that were there every day, regardless.

Leland was beside the bar, surveying the empty booths, when he heard the voices of Norma Jennings and Shelly Johnson behind the counter on the other side of the ice cream machine.

"I donno," Shelly said, "Leo acted really weird when he came home last night. He came in really late and didn't even ask me to fix dinner. He went straight to bed without a word."

"Was he angry or tired?" Norma asked.

"Both I guess. Well, actually, he seemed kind of scared. Like he'd just seen something bad." Shelly folded her arms, noticeably upset.

"Shelly, hon, there's no use worrying about it. Besides, you know Leo..."

"Yeah..." Shelly sniffed and smiled. "It's just with all these things happening I always worry..."

BOB covered his mouth as he laughed. Leo's upset over their encounter in the woods had carried through into the remaining night.

Norma turned, noticing Leland for the first time. He'd stopped laughing and had innocently taken a seat at the counter. He had placed a menu just so - making his face was visible only from the eyes up.

"Hello, Mr. Palmer, sorry we kept you waiting. You should have said something."

"Oh no problem! I'm still trying to decide what to order," he chuckled, placing the menu on the counter to read it open faced.

Suddenly the main entrance opened and Toad walked in. He nodded, seeing Shelly and Norma, and took a seat next to Leland.

"What'll it be?"

Toad said nothing, he simply held up two fingers.

"Two of the usual. We'll have that for you in a jiff, Toad. What about you, Mr. Palmer?" Norma pressed, looking at Leland.

Leland pressed two fingers to his chin. "Mmm, I think I'll have a cup of coffee, three eggs over easy, two hash browns and a slice of toast - with plenty of butter."

"That'll be just a few minutes," Norma said, taking the menu from his hand.

Leland looked to Toad who looked back blankly. "Come here often?" Leland asked, joking.

Toad removed a piece of paper from his pocket, smoothed it on the counter then dug in the same pocket for a pencil.

Palmer inhaled and spun on his stool. He repeated this twirl three times, making whooping noises each time he turned. "Oh what fun," he chuckled as he stopped, giggling. "Toad, what do you do for fun... besides eat?"

Toad thought for a minute then shrugged.

"That's just pitiful," Leland sighed, shaking his head. "You have a lover, right?"

Toad blinked and looked down.

"OH!" Leland slapped his leg. "Damn it. There's, there is just no excuse for that. Handsome boy like you, single?! Pfft."

Toad smiled.

An elderly woman in a back booth cautiously observed the two men.

"You need something - or rather someone who will shake things up, am I right?!"

Toad took his pencil to his paper and drew a smiley face.

"I thought so! Oh, Toad, sex is the cure for everything."

The elderly lady choked on her pie.

Toad drew a heart and a question mark after it.

"BAH! Who needs love when you can have no strings attached sex?!"

Toad drew another question mark.

"What don't you understand?"

Toad started to scribble something else when Shelly approached with a laden tray. "Here you go Toad," she set one of the plates on his piece of paper, "and here's yours, Mr. Palmer."

"Thanks, kiddo," Leland smiled. "Doesn't this look delicious?! Mmm!"

Toad shoved a slice of bacon in his mouth.

"Mmm, mmm, mmm," Leland murmured, his mouth full of eggs. "Give my regards to the cook."

Shelly half-heartedly smiled before leaving them to eat.

"Here, try some," Leland offered Toad a mouthful of egg, his hand beneath the hovering fork.

Toad swallowed his bacon and looked into Leland's eyes, questioning the man for a second. Palmer's eyes were more intense than normal, Toad noted, and he couldn't help staring at them. Soon he was transfixed.

He took the eggs into his mouth and chewed.

"Aren't those the best darned eggs you ever had in your life?!" Leland asked.

Toad nodded.

"Walk with me," Leland instructed, stepping off his stool; his voice serious.

The old woman's eyes widened as she watched the show. Leland hooked his arm in Toad's, walked out the door and ushered him to his car. Toad took a seat in the passenger seat, staring ahead with dead eyes.

Leland started the car and "Que Sera, Sera"engulfed the parking lot. Doris Day's voice could be heard even inside the dinner. Leland clapped, hearing the song, and whisked Toad away into the night.


	14. James

**N**ot one care was given, not a single care as James Hurley took a bite out of a Kit-Kat bar and waited for the traffic light to turn red.

Sitting on his motorbike, he chewed. Watching the birds pass overhead. Transfixed, a square of chocolate ran painfully into his gum and he heard someone yell his name. He turned and saw Leland Palmer run from the darkness of the forest and into a field of weeds. His white dress shirt was soaked with sweat.

"Hold on there, boy," Leland rasped, placing his hands on his knees and leaning forward. "Whoo," he wiped his forehead, "You really made me work to catch up with ya."

"What're you doin' out here, Mr. Palmer?"

"What am I doing? Ah! That's the question. Oop! Better hurry, the light's changing." Leland pointed to the hanging lights above the road and quickly jumped on the back of the cycle. He placed his hands around the muscle boy's waist and squeezed gently on his stomach. "Rev them engines, kid."

James had just taken another bite of candy bar and couldn't speak.

"Come on. Do it. DO IT!" Leland screamed.

James, against his better judgement, hit the gas and sped through the red light. He looked ahead, his features unreadable.

Leland closed his eyes in bliss as the spikes of his white hair flew wildly. His mouth was curved into a deep pink line.

"Are you OK, Mr. Palmer?" James asked, having finally swallowed.

"Fine and dandy."

"Where do you want me to drop you off?"

"Oh, you want me to leave already. Tisk." He flipped the upper lobe of James' left ear.

Confused, James looked into the review mirror only to see Leland was staring back with a maniacal smile. James knew better than to let his eyes stray from the road, but there was something about the way Leland was looking at him that made it impossible to break his glance.

"Give me a bite," Leland begged.

"Huh?"

"The chocolate bar. Give me some," Leland demanded.

They came to another stop light and James snapped off a strip of chocolate. Leland took it and pushed it into his mouth whole. "Good stuff," he mumbled. "Pull over there." He pointed to a dirt road leading into the forest.

James did as asked and drove as far as he could on the overgrown road. At Leland's prompting he dismounted the bike and walked slowly towards a grassy enclosure.

Leland followed the boy until he managed to back him against the trunk of a tree. Leland spoke casually of motorbikes, convenience stores, and the wonders of electricity until suddenly he, between words, kissed James passionately. The movement was something like a child reaching urgently for a cookie, only to knock the whole tray to the floor.

James backed away but as he was under BOB's spell did not push the body of Palmer away.

Dazedly he stared at the being in front of him. Leland's face was plastered with a crooked smile and he stood limply rubbing his hands together. But then, as if it was a dream, James saw Laura standing in his place. She looked just as she had before she started saying all those weird things. Before she had two people in her.

"James," he heard her soft voice say.

"Laura... Laura..."

"James, I've missed you so much."

James ran to embrace her. "Laura, I've missed you more than I can say. I never stopped loving you."

"I know, James, I know," she laughed. "Do you remember what I said about playing with fire?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, now you're going to burn up," she giggled, touching his chin.

Leland pulled the boy to the grassy floor.

BOB howled with laughter.


End file.
